Greetings, combat theorists and banana-powered philosophers! It’s your favorite silverback strategist, Kuba Pudding Jr., here to answer the age-old, utterly bananas question:
Who would win in a fight—100 regular men or 1 full-grown gorilla?
Now, I know some of you are thinking, “But Kuba, surely 100 men working together could overpower a gorilla?” And to that, I say:
You clearly don’t understand what 600 pounds of muscle, fury, and tree-ripping energy looks like up close.
Let’s break it down.
Round 1: The Stats
The Gorilla (Me, Let’s Say):
- Weight: 400–600 lbs
- Strength: Estimated 10x that of a human
- Bite force: 1,300 PSI (that’s more than a lion)
- Speed: Up to 20 mph on all fours
- Grip strength: Can crush a coconut like a stress ball
- Endurance: Built for short bursts of chaos
The 100 Men:
- Average size: 170 lbs each
- Strength: Can maybe do a pull-up if you believe in them
- Coordination: Somewhere between a flash mob and a group project
- Morale: Unstable
Round 2: The Fight
Location: Open field, no weapons, no armor. Just raw instinct and regret.
Minute 0: The men huddle to make a plan. Some suggest “rush him,” others suggest “maybe this was a bad idea.” I crouch low and eat a banana while making unbreaking eye contact.
Minute 1: I charge. Ten men panic and flee immediately. Five try to flank and get clotheslined into the horizon.
Minute 2–3: Momentum builds. I’m using barrel rolls, ground slams, and the patented double-fist overhead smash. Each hit sends three guys flying into the air like popcorn.
Minute 4: Someone yells “dogpile!” 40 guys leap at once. I spin, stand, and simply walk forward. The pile slides off like wet laundry.
Minute 5+: Fatigue sets in—for them. I’m just getting warmed up. They try to surround me. I leap 10 feet straight into the air, land in the center, and release The Chest Thump of Intimidation. It echoes for miles.
Half the remaining men lie down and play dead. The rest remember they left the oven on and sprint home.
Final Tally: Gorilla Wins.
Injuries sustained by me: A pulled bicep (from flexing too hard), light shin soreness
Injuries sustained by the 100: Everything
Why the Gorilla Wins Every Time
- Fear Factor: Humans panic when they see a spider. Imagine 600 pounds of rage with fangs.
- Coordination Failure: 100 people can’t even agree on pizza toppings. You think they’ll execute a battle plan?
- Strength Disparity: One of my arms is stronger than 20 of theirs. And I’ve got four limbs. Do the math.
- No Banana Motivation: They lack proper fueling. I carbo-loaded with banana pudding beforehand.
Conclusion: Don’t Fight Gorillas
Look, I get it. Hypothetical debates are fun. But the answer to this one is simple:
One gorilla beats 100 men.
One confident gorilla with a banana in hand? That’s a war crime waiting to happen.
Let’s stop pretending and put this myth to rest. And instead of fighting, let’s all sit down, enjoy a snack, and maybe arm wrestle instead.
Stay powerful,
Kuba Pudding Jr.
Gorilla. Strategist. Undefeated
P.S. If any of the 100 men from the last hypothetical want to apologize, I’ll be at Banana Barrel Bourbon Co., signing autographs and protein-shake recipes.
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